What Do We Do With His Body?
by alansquill
Summary: Anakin's just died when two people burst into the room. The question arises: what do we do with his body? Insanity, questionable weirdness, and general madness in later chapters.
1. Lara Blabs TMI, or Anakin Lives!

**Disclaimer: That which you recognize is not going to be mine. If it was, I'd be a guy.**

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Luke cradled his fallen father in his arms, wishing he had been able to do something for him during Anakin's last moments in the galaxy. Just then, two scientists in lab coats burst into the room.

"Vade, we've got it finished! You can be human again, right now." A young woman dances around as she said these words, apparently waiting for some sort of reaction from the felled leader. When no answer was forthcoming, she frowned. "Come on, Vade, we're talking about years of research here. You could at least give me a thumbs up or something."

"In case you haven't noticed, _Anakin_ happens to be dead," Luke said, stressing the name Anakin.

The man who came in with the woman walked over to Luke and extended a hand. It took a moment for Luke to realize that he was trying to help him up. Reaching up, he grabbed the hand and pulled himself up.

"The name's Bond, James Bond," the man intoned dramatically.

"Really?" Luke asked, curious.

"Naw, I just really love those movies. Ian Fleming's a genius. My name's actually Ashley Grant." Luke looked at the man a little funnily, having no idea what the man was talking about, then raised his eyebrow at the woman who now stood carrying on a long tirade as she addressed Anakin. "Oh, her? That's Lara. Personally, I think she's a little off her rocker, y'know what I mean?"

Luke nodded slowly, then walked over to Lara, who was now sulking at the fact that "Vade" wouldn't talk to her. He gently laid a hand on her shoulder, when she suddenly whirled around and karate chopped him in the solar plexus. Luke fell to the ground, so surprised he didn't even cry out, as she stared at him with hard eyes that widened as she realized what she just did.

"I'm so, so sorry," she gushed as she helped him up. "Just instinct, right? I never know what kind of a chap will sneak up on me, trying to take advantage of a beautiful, innocent girl." Lara batted her eyelashes dramatically as she twirled. "Anyway, I'm Lara. This guy," here she pointed at Ashley, "is a James Bond wannabe, who's stuck with the name Ashley."

"Oi, watch it Lara," Ashley warned, advancing on the petite scientist. Lara shrieked and started running around the room, with Ashley chasing. Both were laughing hysterically. While they were running around, Luke took the opportunity to study the girl.

In every way, Lara looked the stereotypical scientist. Big flapping lab coat, large-lensed glasses with plastic frames, and honey brown hair pulled back into a stern bun with a few frazzled strands escaped. If Luke had not seen the way she acted, chances were he would have been scared stiff around her. Luke also noted that while short, she was extremely agile as she skittered around the room, trying to avoid being cornered by Ashley.

Ashley, on the other hand, was the complete opposite of Lara. Tall and well muscled, he looked more like a bodyguard or wrestler than a scientist. His black hair was cropped close to his head and his fingers were surprisingly delicate, unlike the rest of him. Luke attributed to the fact that he had to be careful while experimenting.

"So, what're we gonna do about Vade here?" Lara asked after Ashley had stopped chasing her. She was flustered and out of breath, and she took a long drink from a cup of water that had mysteriously appeared on a table. Actually, she made Ashley break into the Death Star's cafeteria and drag out the table, while she filled her cup with water. She'd offered Luke some too, but he didn't trust anything on the Death Star. "We can't waltz up to the Stormtroopers and say 'Hey guys, looks like Vade here is dead, guess we can all go home now.' They'd kill us! Besides, I haven't been paid yet."

"Is that why you're doing this?" Ashley teased. Both he and Luke laughed. The two had quickly become friends after they found out they both knew Han Solo. They swapped stories about predicaments Han had gotten them into, and out of.

Lara stood up huffily. "I'll have you know, my mother happens to be suffering from a severe case of Haringitis, my sister's been abandoned by her husband, and my uncle is about to go to prison for being falsely accused of laundering money from a company he doesn't even work for!" At the open-mouthed looks she was receiving from both Luke and Ashley, she snorted. "Did you really think my family is _that_ dysfunctional?"

"Well, seeing as you were just yelling at a dead guy about fifteen minutes ago…"

"Shut up, Luke."

"Play nice, you two." Ashley wagged his finger at the squabbling adults. "Now, Lara, do you think the elixir would still be functional after death?"

At once, Lara became serious. "I do believe it would. It was created to restore Vade's dead cells, so why wouldn't it work post mortem? The worst that could happen would be he stays dead."

"Here goes nothing." Ashley gently lifted Anakin's body up and poured the frothy liquid down his throat, then moved back and waited.

"What's he doing?" Luke whispered to Lara.

"It's an elixir that would have restored Vader to his human form so he wouldn't have to rely on that clunky suit anymore. A fashion diva's nightmare!" Lara whispered back. "Why are we whispering?"

"I don't know," Luke answered, returning to his normal voice. "So tell me exactly what you two are doing here."

Lara tilted her head to one side as she answered. "Ashley happens to be one of the most famous biochemists of all time. Vade kidnapped him because anyone knowing about biochemistry would be able to understand what happened to his body."

"What's biochemistry?"

"I'm getting there. Biochemistry happens to be the study of the chemistry in the human body, or any living, breathing being for that matter. Now Ashley lived…"

"What's chemistry?"

"Luke! Go find a dictionary or something to explain that to you. Can I finish?" When Luke kept his mouth shut, Lara sighed and continued, "Ashley lived on a planet called Earth. The people on that planet are so weird! They think they're the only sentient beings in the universe. How egotistic! But some people there believe in aliens, although they are imagined to be green and odd-looking. Anyway, Vade and I decided…"

"Wait, you helped Darth Vader with all of his evil acts, like blowing up my sister's home planet?"

"NO! Luke, will you shut up and let me finish?"

"Sorry."

"_Anyway_, Vade and I decided that the Earthlings would think Ashley was abducted or something, so no worries there. Ashley was, and is, completely fascinated by all of this, so we didn't have to worry about him wanting to escape. The point is, if he says something you don't understand, it's probably from Earth. As for my part in Vade's life…"

"Why does he let you call him Vade?"

"Arghh! Because I annoyed the hell out of him until he let me! _As I was saying_, I came to him of my own free will because I wanted to help the resistance. I worked my way up the social ladder and became his most trusted confidant. At that point in time, I was able to start sabotaging his projects…"

"You dared to sabotage Darth Vader's plans?"

"Yes! Shut up! That's why the original Death Star had that major flaw. How else do you think Leia got those plans?"

Ashley tapped Lara on the shoulder. "I really think you should shut up now."

"And that would be because…"

Luke spun her around, where she came face to face with a very angry, red-faced, glaring Anakin Skywalker.

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**Heh heh, a cliffie already. Ok, maybe not really a cliffie. Sorry it's taken so long to update. Exams are very stressful. Anyway, if you would like to donate to a fund that helps with my writing, click the little blue box right... over... THERE!**


	2. Major Flirt, or Leia Meets Lara

**Okay guys, I really don't like the Prologue the way it is. Too distracting, and it doesn't have anything to do with the plot… as far as I can tell. Besides, more people were reading that, then not reading Chapter 1. So, for anyone who's made it this far, I'd like to have your opinion. Should it stay or should it go? _hums a tune_ Isn't that a song?**

**NuclearXsquid: Congratulations! You are my first (and only) reviewer. Be proud, though I'm not sure why.**

**Disclaimer: My name is George Lucas and I own everything related to Star Wars. Not.**

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_Luke spun her around, where she came face to face with a very angry, red-faced, glaring Anakin Skywalker._

"I'm sorry?" Lara offered as the former Sith glared at her. She sighed. "Okay, okay. I humbly beg your forgiveness for meddling in your affairs, sabotaging all attempts to take over the galaxy, sending the plans to Princess Leia, and all that stuff. O great and mighty Vade, darkest of them all, will you find it in your black heart to forgive me?" Lara fluttered her eyelashes as Luke and Ashley tried hard not to laugh.

Anakin continued staring at her, his eyes boring into her as his fingers flexed. Suddenly, he burst into a fit of laughter, his eyes watering and chest heaving. "Should have – seen – your face! You actually thought I was mad at you." He continued laughing, while the other men now openly laughed with him.

Lara drew herself up indignantly. "Well," she said huffily, "considering the fact that you were trying to take over the galaxy, were prone to unwarranted fits of anger, and once Force choked a guy because he talked back to you, I'd say you had me pretty convinced there."

At this point, Luke decided to intervene. "Guys," Lara shot him a look, "and girl, let's calm down. We're all together safe and unharmed, my dad's not dead, the galaxy is free, and we should have a party. So, Lara, get the food, and Ashley, set up the tables." ("Not more dragging furniture around," Ashley groaned.) "Dad, how about you find us some good music after you get rid of the Stormtroopers by ejecting them into space or something, and I'll invite the rest of the Rebel forces here."

Anakin looked at the independent, brave young man his son had become and – was that a piercing? "Luke Skywalker, whatever Force possessed you to get an_earring_ of all things?"

Luke was definitely not expecting a question from that direction at all, and dropped the Malawakataka nuts: _They'll make any party relaxing and fun!_ "What, this little thing?" He pointed at the stud in his ear as Lara drooled over the fire the small gem sparkled with.

"Yes, that 'little thing', as you so aptly put it, _son_." Anakin emphasized the son part to remind Luke who he was talking to.

Luke did remember that screwing around with an ex-Sith was a bad idea. He also remembered that screwing around with your father was also a bad idea. It didn't take a genius to figure out two plus two equaled four. So Luke decided to choose his words carefully. "You see, it's a…_device_… that can be used for many purposes like… getting into locked rooms… and making pretty lights and loud sounds, and it…"

Anakin wasn't fooled at all. "Luke, stop babbling and sounding like a child who doesn't want to admit they did something stupid. Why don't you just come out and say that you can use it to break into places and cause explosions. At least then you would sound like you know what you're talking about and not some Gungan toddler with a speech impediment." Ashley guffawed loudly and stopped only when Lara elbowed him sharply and glared. Anakin just rolled his eyes at the typical behavior of his assistants and continued, "I'm not going to hold it against you. You hated me and I hated you. We start with a clean slate." By this time, Ashley was fighting tears as he tried not to laugh. Anakin sighed and said, "Just what's so damn funny that you can't shut up?"

As Luke looked on in shock, Lara nudged him and said, "Shocking, isn't it? Who would have ever thought that the great and terrible Lord Vader would have had a potty mouth? These are terrible days, I tell you, just terrible."

Ashley ignored them and addressed Anakin. "It's absolutely hilarious! You standing there looking serious, and Luke shrinking, and you just glaring and… That has got to be the funniest father-son talk I've ever seen, and believe you me, I've had to endure all sorts." Ashley adopted a different tone now, a deeper and fuller one. "Big V and all that, ya gotta talk like they talk, walk like they walk, do a little gangsta rap and slouch in the chair, twirl around and around wi' your hands in the air, and wave em' like nobody care!" Ashley stopped dancing and took a tiny bow before flinging himself into the nearest seat and stealing Lara's caf.

The others were frozen in place for a minute as Ashley's rather… _exotic_ performance traveled from their sensory receptors to their brains. Then all hell broke lose. Okay, not really. But still, it was pretty chaotic.

"You really think that's how you talk to the 'younger generation'? Where have you been living, on Choi or something?"

"You're worse than Dwayne. Remember when he did the same thing, only he ended up tripping over a chair? At least his rhymes and dancing were better."

"Good Force, Ashley! What were you trying to do, permanently blind us for life? I'd have to say you're doing a pretty good job of that right now." Anakin grimaced and blinked to make sure that he could see before continuing, "Never mind. Just sit down. Luke, I'm not sure your friends would appreciate being invited to Darth Vader's _personal_ ship for a party; they'd probably think that it was a trap. How about you go back, take us with you, announce Darth Vader is dead, and then voila! we pop out. But I think I will dump the Stormtroopers into space. Very fine suggestion. I like the way you think, m'boy."

Luke sheepishly grinned, proud that he had made his father proud. The two stood there, internally glowing, until an impatient Lara cleared her throat. "Just _hate_ to break up the precious father-son bonding time, but could we get a move on, people? I really want to meet Luke's sister."

"I bet you two will love each other. I mean, both of you are crazy and hyperactive, and… Hey! How do you know about my sister?" Luke exclaimed. He was puzzled as to how Lara could how found out when she was cooped up all the time.

"Duh. Vade tells me everything. When I say everything, I mean _everything_. The color of his socks, how many minutes he brushed, and anything else you could possibly want to know. He's quite the blabbermouth. Did you know, Vade likes to,"

Lara was cut off by the great Vade himself. "Yes, well, we get the picture. Thanks though. Now, about those Stormtroopers…"

A few hours later, Lara, Luke, Ashley, and Anakin were partying with the Rebels. They'd decided to keep the name, seeing as how it fit with their "rough and tough" image. Lara was anxiously looking for Leia, as she wanted to get a chance to finally meet the famous ambassador. Instead, she ran into the _in_famous flirt, Han Solo.

"Well, hello, cutie, just who might you be?"

Lara groaned inwardly before putting on her innocent face and turning around to face the cocky smuggler. "Oh, I'm sorry, do I know you? Because the last time I checked, I didn't know anyone in the army as Major Flirt." She turned to leaved, but Han stopped her.

"Oh, you think you're very funny, don't you? Stop playing hard to get, sweetie, it just makes the boys chase after you more. Say, I know this…" Han stopped talking as he caught sight of his sweetheart glaring at him. "Ah, hey, Princess. Just, er, showing this young lady around, darling."

"Oh, you think you're in the clear don't you? Stop playing innocent, _dearie_, it just makes Leia glare at you more," Lara quipped, turning Han's words back upon him. She walked up to Leia and introduced herself. "Lara Numin, at your service Your Majesty." Lara then gave an exaggerated curtsey to Leia.

All the while, the corners of Leia's mouth had been trying not to turn upwards as she listened to the conversation, but now she let out a very unladylike snort. Lara glanced up, quite startled. "Your Majesty, was that a_snort_? Oh, please do that again, I rather like it!"

This time, Leia didn't even bother trying to smother her laughter. Peals of laughter, mixed with a few snorts, rolled from the princess as she clutched her sides. Dumbfounded, Han just looked at Leia, while Lara joined in the side-heaving laughter. When Leia finally stopped laughing, she took Lara's arm and said, "Actually Lara, I've never met a Major Flirt, but I am currently seeing a General Flirt." The two women burst out laughing again.

"Your Majesty, I do declare that was definitely an accurate assessment of Mr. Han here," Lara choked out from around her laughs.

Leia sobered up immediately. "What did you just call me?"

In his head, Han cackled and thought, _Oh boy, is she ever gonna get it! That's teach her to smartass me._ He stood there with a look of anticipation on his face.

Lara decided to stop laughing because the princess looked very angry. "Your Majesty, if I said anything at all to offend you…"

Leia held her glare on Lara for a moment longer, then reprimanded, "Never, _ever_, call me Your Majesty. It drives me absolutely bonkers. Just call me Leia. But, come, I have so much to show you!" Lara allowed herself to be dragged away by the exuberant Leia, leaving a very disappointed Han Solo behind.

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**Wow. I just looked at when I first started this chapter and wow. I have taken so long on this. It's not my fault! c**_**owers behind her laptop. **_**I can't help it if I've got a crazy-ass project due that I've been working on for the entire school year! Besides, this is pretty long for me. Four pages! But, a word of warning (not really): The only things I've inserted that belong to me are Lara, Ashley, and the Flantigur plant. Choi actually is a planet in the Star Wars universe. There's a whole list of planets on the web. **

**Quick question: What letter should the name of Lara's home planet start with? Weird question, but I found so many great names and had to narrow it down somehow. So, let me know. Thanks for reading and review please!**


	3. Hiatus Notice

I've temporarily put this fanfiction on hiatus because I've somehow lost all of the data on my computer, including chapters in

I've temporarily put this fanfiction on hiatus because I've somehow lost all of the data on my computer, including chapters in-progress saved on my computer. I'd like to give a date by when I'll have the next chapter up; however, this could be hard to estimate accurately as I lost about seven uncompleted chapters, which is why I take forever to upload. In addition, I've got tons of exams coming up, so I really won't have any time to do some retrieval work for the next few weeks. I'll try to update as soon as I've reconstructed Chapter Three, but until then, this fanfic ain't goin' anywhere.


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